Have you ever been in a relationship or let’s say, are one currently in one? Then you should be interested in this post.
Relationships are to be valued and cherished but when it cross the boundaries of trust and commitment, then problem arises.
Different relationships exist of course but let’s talk about the love affair -marriage relationship. This is for those in serious relationships or the married ones.
Roll with me, this is some kind of vox pop conversational post so let’s talk.
And for the record, if you are not ready for a relationship or commitment and you choose to play around. Come on! Should we still be talking about this? This is 21st century, get some sense, you know what to do right?
Vox Pop: The Flirt Reality in relationships, Yay or Nay?
It is an issue that when in relationships, a man or lady tends to be attracted to others. How true is this? Why and what reasons are behind them? What tricks/tips can be used to eradicate or sustain such relationships?
Upon my research, it is said that playful bantering or gentle flirting with someone outside of your marriage/relationship is harmless if proper boundaries remain intact. Those boundaries differ with each relationship, of course. What would be considered a violation in one marriage/relationship might be perfectly acceptable for another couple. Difference of opinions even occur within a marriage.
But the question is, should one flirt at all?
Is flirting a bad idea or a play fantasy? Is it the same as cheating?
Our sexuality exists and being in a relationship or marriage doesn’t mean you are trapped from seeing others as attractive. It is normal and okay to find someone else attractive even while in a relationship.
It’s okay to talk or hang out, what’s not okay is to get trapped with them. There is a thin line between flirting and cheating, issue of concern is when you cross that line.
Not crossing the line shows respect for your relationship and gives you the self confidence boost you need around people because your partner will not always be by your side all the time. Such independence should be understood by both partners. If you cannot hold on to your independence without having to cheat, do not enter into any form of commitment.
But different folks, different strokes. People define and see flirting in different ways. Why some see flirting as cheating… a movement of breaking the boundaries of the relationship, others see it as a passing phase, for fun or just that thin line that can lead to cheating if care is not taken. For third parties, they agree on both sides of the argument depending.
Whether intentional or otherwise, flirting or not is entirely up to an individual.
Flirting may not work for everybody, especially with regards to one’s partner. ( say an insecure or controlling one).
One could flirt without really knowing it and that’s because one likes to feel good about oneself so we tend to find ways to be attractive to others on the outside.
So i garnered some responses from people and this is what they have to say.
1. Ok, you are attracted to others? Hmmm, some people may say that they find someone attractive but not to the point of flirting with them. This is probably because they have trained themselves to be loyal to their spouses. On the other hand, some people flirt because that’s what they have seen others do while growing up, even their immediate circle of friends do it. That’s all they know and they have not taken the time to explore something different and better. Some others have their minds corrupted by pornography so they are constantly looking for avenues to experiment. Some people think it’s the nature of men to cheat, but I think it’s a mindset not a nature. In other words, it is a learned behaviour not an inherited one. To sustain relationships like this? You have to ask yourself honest questions…can I stand this? Do I want a spouse who always flirts; with roaming eyes while he is with me or the children? Flirting in itself is emotional infidelity, is that what you want? Eradicated such relationships? Just cut of intimate communication…and the relationship will gradually die. Define new boundaries things you won’t accept anymore. And don’t say or project what you don’t have the moral strength to do. Be assertive and consistent. Avoid private interactions etc…
Relationship Catalyst, Connecting Hearts Daily Devotional.
2. People tend to be attracted to others even while in a relationship for many reasons. One of them is familiarity, the thrill of conquering as opposed to the mundane feeling of maintenance, dissatisfaction with the status quo, search for excitement and harmless fun… The reasons are varied. Advice is to tackle the familiarity in such relationships by seeing the person and relationship with new eyes, being open minded and getting rid of one’s pride.
Kineto Leadership Coach.
3. Yes it happens… You’re in a relationship with someone but once in a while you see another person you also won’t mind.
Why does it happen?
Asides from those who are perverts, it’s a human nature to always want more. Haven’t you admired another person’s phone even when you’re holding an expensive one as well.
Those who yield to it are simply not contented people. They lack a sense of responsibility. The simple question they should ask themselves is that should I marry all men/women just because I like them all. Just like the phone case; should one buy all the phones you see and like?
It’s the same mindset.
My babe I swear is not the finest one on earth, I see finer ones everyday. But something more keeps us together and that’s the value derived which are beneficial to our individual journey in life.
When people leave what they have to look for more; it shows they have not defined purpose … What do they NEED?
It’s like buying a phone for 1M just because it has class whereas there is
another one that does not have that class but is good and has useful FUNCTIONS and it costs 20k.
You get? There is nothing like “the one”
The honest truth is they are plenty… You Chose to stay with one…it’s intentional.
Paul Shola Oguntade.
Writer, Serial Entrepreneur and Project Manager, TEEM.
4. Well? one can’t deny the possibility of this in every relationship. When it comes, you just have to tackle it before it matures into something else. There will always be a lady prettier than your Boo, with more perfect body structure , the figure 8 and all of that, but it’s expedient for you to always remember the love that bounds you two together. Sometimes you may be friends with a lady and she’s giving you the
extra attention and you already start crushing on her, you just need to always know when to draw d line, sincerely it’s hard sometimes, you feel like if only you can have them both… but if truly you love that one person that matters to you, draw d line.
Former president, batch c editorial cds. Former host, corper forum, NYSC.
5. Flirting with other people while in a relationship is a personal decision. If you don’t feel the need to flirt, that means you’re completely content and settled. But, if you’re up for some fun and you start feeling trapped in your relationship, go flirt!
Draw boundaries and continue loving your partner.
What do you have to say about this? Hit the comment box.
So, when does flirting cross that invincible line from innocent bantering to dangerous dialogue? Here is what Terese J. Borchard of psychcentral.com have to say.
1. When it’s secretive.
If you are deleting your email or text — either to her or from her — that’s a red flag. Because by deleting them, you are guessing that your spouse would be upset if she read them, and that you are covering up something. Moreover, ask yourself this question: “How would I feel if I knew my wife (or husband) was corresponding to an attractive man in the way I talk to X?” If you feel an uncomfortable knot in your stomach upon answering that question, there you go.
2. If it has a sexual agenda.
If you notice that your correspondence with this person feeds your sexual fantasies. If your conversations is filled with sexual overtones, watch out.
3. If you’re spending a considerable amount of time talking to him (her).
According to marriage therapist Allyson P., a person needs to consider not only the content of the messages sent back and forth but also the amount of them. For example, if you are emailing a “friend” 15 times a day, that’s a tad extreme, even if the content is about your favourite film.
4. If you are rationalizing.
“He is just a friend,” is a statement that you don’t say to yourself when you’re involved in innocent communication. Do you feel the need to justify a very safe friendship? No. It’s obvious to you and to your mate that the companionship is completely appropriate. However, you may very well be investing in an unsafe friendship if you are constantly wrestling with guilt or feel the need to rationalize.
5. If it’s meeting your personal needs.
If you are getting your intimacy needs met in an online relationship or with a co-worker with whom you playfully banter, you might stop to ask yourself why. Be especially careful if you’re sharing very intimate sentiments with that person that you don’t share with your husband/spouse, or if you feel like your online companion understands you in a way that your spouse doesn’t. Be on guard if you are getting fed in any way by him or her that you don’t at home.
Better to address the holes in your life and fill them in safe ways, even if you can’t within your marriage.
6. If you talk about your marriage or your spouse.
It’s disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a flip attitude. Imagine that your wife was overhearing your entire conversation. Would you still say it?
7. If your spouse doesn’t like it.
You have just won a red flag if a husband or wife has expressed disapproval of your communications with X, because it usually means that either the content of the correspondence or the amount of it is off balance—that the interaction isn’t totally appropriate, or the time spent talking (online or offline) with the person is distracting from family life.
8. If your friend voices concern.
Pay attention if a good friend asks you why you are talking about this person so much, or if she says something like, “Wake up. You are married. He is married. You need to focus on what you have and stop obsessing about what you don’t.” Friends, sisters, and mothers can often identify the red flags before a person is willing to recognize them herself.
9. If your intentions are wrong.
Let’s say your wife is constantly knocking you down, nagging at you, telling you to lose 20 pounds because she didn’t intend to marry a beached whale. The natural, or at least easy, thing to do is to find an attractive woman who will feed your ego and tell you that you’re sexy, funny, smart, and so on. Some folks may unconsciously seek out an admirer to get their spouse to take notice of them. It can be effective! But it’s also manipulative. There are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem and regain the power that you have lost in your own home.
So there we have it.
Like Cheryl James at Lovepanky.com says So is flirting cheating? Well, it all depends on the way you look at it. If it works for you and your relationship and makes you feel attractive, I’d say go for it. But if you feel like it affects your relationship negatively, then hold your reins back and do something else to feel good about yourself.
Is your relationship safe?
Are you flirting or courting?
we all make mistakes but we can be better.